Drunk and Rattled

I think that’s it. My Taiwanese lover, and our little love affair, is over. As it wrapped up 15 minutes ago, I feel like I have some fresh ideas I want to think on…

It wasn’t a surprise. She was here temporarily. A five week trip, I picked her up right after she got here, and this weekend she goes back to Taiwan. She’s here for a few more days, but my Dad is visiting. I am meeting him in a few minutes, we’re going on a road trip, and I’m stoked for that. So last night was our last night together. She leaves Sunday.

Right now… I feel like I overdosed on her a little. Today was a little too much, as she clung to our last moments. I didn’t cling, but I did try to soak her up. She was a good thing, but I didn’t stick to my plan today. That makes me thoughtful.

Under what conditions is it okay to compromise our own standards?

Right now… I feel… drunk. Love drunk. It feels good, but also a little queasy. I know it’s the chemicals of being with her. The culmination of the last few weeks of spending time w/ her. I saw her 3 times this last week, which is more than I would see a girl normally (1-2 times a week, max). But I knew she was short term, so I was willing to break the rules.

But the rules are important… how it starts is how it goes. I cannot forget that. You start with discipline, or you live out the rest of that relationships with no discipline. Anything you give up, in the game of a woman’s encroachment, you never get back. If you feel weak as you fail to have discipline, you should. You blew it, and you blew it early. If she lived here, if this relationship was open ended, I would have done things differently… I “pigged out” over these last few days. I was indulgent. “Binge drinking” is fine w/ me, but I know that trying to make a lifestyle of it would not take me where I want to go.

Today I flirted with a lifestyle I don’t want. Like doing a bump of heroine. It felt good, but these kinds of things get out of hand quickly. I want to make sure I get this.

And… I’m off purpose today. And that’s part of my point. Purpose, purpose, purpose. I’m not always that hung up on purpose, but when it comes to girls… pay some fucking attention to this, Nash! Am I letting girls pull me off of what I know I should be doing? As I say yes to her in those moments, does she get what she wants? Does she get the man she wants?

A women will try to take you off your purpose. Say that again.

A women will try to take you off your purpose.

It’s one of the most classic “tests” a woman can do. I let her do it, somewhat, today. That is negative points for the relationship, and for me as a man. Can I, while love drunk, look her in the eyes and tell her to “go!” I did. I will do that more, if I want to be the man I want to be.

It’s these moments where she and my indulgent side collude and prove to every one that my castle is not as strong as I think it is. That my castle walls might not be worthy of respect.

My plan was to wake up, get us out to a nice goodbye breakfast, after a great night last night, of sex and dinner.

But I let us come back from that breakfast, and we fucked again. It was our last time. And then my afternoon was gone. I should have been working. Not for the work. Not for those clients. But for me. As a man. For my relationship with discipline. For my relationship with myself. The work can wait. But my integrity can not.

I am seeing this moment in the context of my last few long term relationships. How, today when I let things go on longer than I wanted, I didn’t feel good about it. How then, in the final months of those relationships, my desire to “be good,” to make her happy, brought me to say “yes” when I should have been firm. Or changed the topic. There are moments when a man can be artful, and dodge a woman instead of fight or surrender. Distract her, if you will. Lead her someplace where the spells of double-binds aren’t as easy for her to cast. This is what I’m talking about. I did okay today, but when it counts, I want to do better.

I’m not disappointed in myself. I get it. But I want to take this time to reflect. Now is the time to learn. Not as the next one heats up, but now, as this one cools off.

I watched her flex her feminine power with me, several times. I watched her, as I would get ready to kick her out, say, “Are you sure?” And pull me in. Watched her play coy. Watched her bat her amazing eyes and use her neck and shoulders to tie me up, like a web. She’d turn up the sex, to see if I’d bend. And I mostly didn’t. I did okay. I get it. I’d give myself a B-. I can do better. I want to fucking see this right now.

She was practice. Temporary. Like a training module. The next one… might be “real.”

I’m reading this incredible book right now… which I will write about soon. It’s about female psychology. And being w/ this new girl, watching her/I shape each other, as I read the book, was a fascinating mix of theory and practice. To watch her employ the tactics I’m reading about… while they were on my mind… while she was in my hands… was insightful.

Women… have a pretty predictable psychology. Knowing what is coming doesn’t always make it easier – just like advance knowledge of a blizzard that is coming doesn’t mean you won’t freeze to death. Knowledge is where it begins. Experience is the path.

My bed is a mess of sweat and cum. And her hair. She really started turning on the sexuality in the last couple of days we’ve been together (I think we’ve been together about 6 days, total, in bed for 4 of those days). In the last romp together, she was telling me to tell her what her pussy felt like. She was telling me to spank her. And to finger her. This girl was dead silent our first time in bed, but she really opened up as we got to know each other.

As a point of reference and honesty… I don’t think I ever made her come. Maybe, but I wouldn’t bet on it. I didn’t ask (something about asking isn’t cool). And while I would have loved to make her come, I’m at a stage of my life where that’s not what I think sex with her was all about it. If she never came, I’m cool with that.

And then, in our last time in bed, after all the condoms we had used, after she was very specific about wanting me to use one, watching her try to stuff me inside herself unprotected… this is how girls are. I’ve seen that before… I actually see that almost every single time I’m with a woman. In a terribly unsafe way, it’s a form of approval. It was also a type of test, a dangerous one. And a type of gift, a very dangerous one.


Watching her bloom, to open up to me, was a great experience. Watching my own understanding of her, wondering how sophisticated she might be at 26, finding out, seeing her kink come out, watching her try to work me with her wiles and her tests, realizing that despite her “sweetness” and her imperfect English, she was dangerous, an assassin, with a deadly trap between her legs… all girls are the same, in their potential. This was great practice.

Practice helps me see.

And going a little easier… watching her become more affectionate over the days, has also been an education. I am thinking of you, Riv. She was “tight” energetically, rigid, at first. Our first hug was garbage — she almost grimaced as she touched me. Our last hug, 20 minutes ago, was deep, and rich, and creamy. I told her so. I told her that if our first hug had been like that, I would have taken her home that night. In the middle of this time where she bloomed for me, trusted me, opened up to me, gave herself to me… I was a man, we had sex, I gave her a great experience… of being with me. And then the affection came unrestrained. In, that, order. I fucked the girl, and she opened up and became affectionate with me later.

Jason Savage is right: Sex > affection.

It’s not about her, or me, or what I want… it’s about the order of things.

And… I gave her commands. I ordered her around. I made us pancakes one morning and brought her fruit in bed, but I did other things to preserve some balance. I did some push/pull, even today… when she said she wasn’t retarded and I said, “not *too* retarded,” and grabbed her ass, and kissed her, and she loved it. Keep her on her toes… and she can’t come forward to take more territory. To make me smaller when I have the chance to be big. She won’t respect that man, even as she works to shape me into something smaller than the beast that originally impressed her. I won’t respect that man, so I work to keep it from happening. To lead us both into a space where we’re our best. That’s up to me.

Great practice. I am in game for the experience. I had a great experience. That little girl had a great experience.

Viva daygame.